How I Lost to Timidity

Written sometime in 2020 or 2021

“Okay lang anak, para matuto kayo.”

Whenever I hear such selfless remarks from patients, I get that certain warm, fuzzy feeling inside me, reminding me of why I wanted to become a doctor.

So here I am, stuck in my room for what feels like an eternity, and for some reason, I was compelled to open my book on history taking and physical examination. Under the topic of ethics and professionalism, there was one scenario which highlighted the fine line between ‘the need to learn by doing’ and ‘doing no harm to patients’. I realized that this has always been a struggle for me, even from my years as a student nurse. I’ve always leaned towards the ‘doing no harm’ part, where I’d rather let the patient rest, than complete the data needed for my nursing care plan. Or I’d rather not perform physical exam maneuvers which are not beneficial to the patient and would just tire them. I think I even reached a point where I 'overempathized' with the patient, thinking that they’d rather not submit to the learning needs of a student nurse.

I have never worked as a nurse after passing the boards, so I can’t really compare, but I think being a student was a factor. I knew I was in training and essentially, it was up to me to grab learning opportunities, but I was too timid to reach out my hand. Because I was just a student. But later on I realized that that was actually the point of being a student—to learn. But I realized this too late. As a result, there were a lot of missed opportunities and half-baked skills. You can probably guess where my confidence level was at after I graduated.

“Ma’am, ako rin po titignan ko po yung mata niyo ha, pasensya na po kayo.”

Fast forward a few years and this time I am a student doctor. Our elderly patient smiled and nodded her head. I think I was the 5th or 6th student to look at her eyes through the ophthalmoscope. It was probably tiring for her, yet she endured. She may have had no choice, yet she endured with grace. I can no longer be content with half-baked skills and sub-level confidence because one day, I would be the one calling the shots.

I am still timid and often hesitant. I still overly lean towards the ‘do not harm’ part. But I am now more aware of the need to find the perfect balance. And the book actually gave an answer to this dilemma—informed consent. With the right amount of doctor-patient rapport, honesty, and courage, the much-needed balance will be achieved.

Through it all, I need to keep reminding myself of why I am doing this. Who I am doing this for. With love as a motive, my timid hand will continue to reach out.