On Remembering

Just some near-midnight thoughts.

Lying in bed right now thinking about where to get the energy to read through all those transes + accomplish pending papers. Basically how to get through the next two weeks without turning into a robot devoid of feelings. Thought about what was it exactly that was making me so anxious. Was it the impending downfall of my grades this block? Was it the fact that I knew so little despite my effort to study? Was it fear of the future where I will have to handle situations worse than this, wondering how I will cope?

And just when my thoughts threatened to break it down yo I bring out my laptop and type this down. Seeing my thoughts on paper (or on a computer screen in this case) helps me put things into perspective. And so I remind myself that I am not fighting this battle alone.

I am not even the frontliner in this battle. I’m more of that cowardly soldier hiding behind that strong mighty general. Because that’s who I am. Weak and puny. Constantly resisting the urge to turn back and run. Carefully, I look up. And I smile. Sheepishly. The strong mighty general with his arms outstretched (trying to block me from something I guess?) is looking down at me with an admonishing look on his face that says, “You of little faith. Why do you doubt? I got you, okay?”

And as I always do whenever I am reminded, I cry. It is frustrating that whenever the battle becomes intense I keep forgetting. I am tired and I seem like I’m losing. But I am joyful and confident in the hope that I have. Because even from the start,

the battle is already won.