Behind the Wall

Written probably around 2020 or 2021.

COVID-19 gave me an excuse to do what I am inclined to do—isolate myself from the world.

Yah. The first thing I thought of before was the mask. By wearing a mask, I didn’t have to be too careful with how my face looked. I didn’t have to be conscious of my expressions. The eyes are the windows to the soul but the eyes can only show you so much. Plus I wear glasses so my eyes can’t really betray me. I guess I just realized lately that all this time I have been conscious of how I look when I’m outside. Now, with the masks on, the anxiety and burden is lifted, and I can just be me. I can feel sad in public now. I can smile easily whenever I think of something funny without having to think of what people can say. I feel my mask protecting me from more than just the virus. It’s also protecting me from anxiety in public settings which I didn’t know I had.

Second thing I thought of is going out with people. I’m a home buddy. I don’t really fancy going out and hanging out with people unless I really have to. Now I have an excuse to say no to invites. Even the simple invitation to go and ‘maki-internet’ (because the internet signal where I live is bad), makes me anxious and I politely turn them down. I tell myself, and other people, that it is better for now to isolate because of the virus. I became more comfortable saying no because of the threat of the virus.

I don’t know why it is only now that I’m writing this down. I’ve thought of this before probably, and I also probably dismissed it as part of who I am. But now I’m thinking, could it be something more? Could it be lying somewhere in the spectrum of anxiety disorders? For sure, I don’t think it is something serious enough to warrant medication or therapy, but the fact remains that it is there. The anxiety is there. No matter how much I frame it as a part of my personality, I do feel anxious when it comes to certain things that involve people.

And the reason I’m opening this up now, is that I’m sure I am not alone with this. I’m sure there are people who feel the same way, and also desire to be understood. And I am reaching out to you right now. I want you to know that whatever it is you are feeling is valid, and you must be honest with yourself and recognize it for what it is. If it gets too bothersome and if you think it’s already getting in the way of your daily life, you have to ask for help. And asking for help for people like us is never easy. Again, asking for help induces anxiety somehow.

So what to do? What’s next? Is this something I’ll have to live with for the rest of my life? Is there a way for me to get rid of this anxiety once and for all? I don’t know. All I know is that I need to be true to who I should be, not who I think I am right now. I need to be a true friend. I need to be someone people can depend on. I need to be a person that will help people when they are in need. I am a soon-to-be doctor after all. My anxiety seems to be something that will get in the way of my becoming a doctor, but that’s where my willpower must step in. I cannot allow that. Somehow, I will have to tame this anxiety and not let it prevent me from doing the things I need to do.