Catharsis

“So, shall we start?”

Few minutes earlier, she came in, head bowed, eyes downcast, hands clenched, her lips in a tight line. Sitting in front of me, I can already feel negative energy radiating off of her. This must be it. The deciding moment. She finally looks up and with an imperceptible shake of her head, says, “I don’t think this is the right path for me.”

I nod slightly to encourage her to talk. “And, what made you feel this way?"

Inhale. Exhale. “’You are a Family Physician. Kailangan magaling ka.’ I heard this during a time I was feeling a bit under the weather. I was feeling a bit lost, so to speak. I knew that our role in the landscape of health was crucial. I knew how important Family Physicians were. But at that time, I did not see it and I felt like Family Physicians were not given the respect they were due.”

I nod again. “I see. What are your thoughts on this?”

“Sometimes I think, is this my fault? Is it because I’m so timid that people look at me with distrust? I'm not a very confident person to begin with, and now i have to survive in a specialty where confidence is paramount? Or is it because we’re too chill? People keep saying, ‘Chill lang sa Fam Med. May work-life balance dito.’ Does repeatedly saying this give off an impression that being a Family Physician is easy and not as challenging as other specialties, ergo giving an impression that we are sub-par doctors?”

My eyes do not leave her face. “How do you feel about all these?”

Breathe. “It felt like, in this specialty, you have to be so so good first before you are even acknowledged. Not by us, but by other people. Otherwise, you just get this look from other people. ‘Anu ba yang doktor na yan. Ay, Fam Med. Kaya pala.’ While most of us are able to ignore those little offensive daggers, some of us get pierced deeply. And the wound stays. It heals, but it scars. And for me, as much as I would like to be mad enough to strive and prove them all wrong, the fight just leaves me. I’ve just run out of steam you know. I’ve been low-key competitive and prideful for the most part of my life, but right now, I’ve just run out of steam.” Pause. Breathe.

”But there is one thing that helps, big time--good mentorship. If you see your mentors doing their best in the things they do, you can’t help but be inspired. You get this feeling na you also want to be like that. You want to become an inspiration to your colleagues and younger peers, encouraging them to become the best doctors they could be, leading them to go into a specialty that will help them fulfill their sense of purpose. Mentors like these are rare and when you find them, you should treasure them.”

I peer at her moist eyes. “What is it that scares you the most right now?”

Surprisingly, she smiles. “Initially I would’ve said ‘being a disappointment’. But I think I’m past that. I mean, I’ve realized that no matter what I’d do, I’m bound to disappoint people, and I’ve accepted that. But my fear right now, would probably be that I wouldn’t fulfil my purpose as a Christian doctor. I’ve made so many mistakes and I’ve made so many bad decisions and they’re haunting me now. So many regrets pulling me down. How can I become a good Christian doctor with all these baggage?”

I hand her some tissues, let her cry for a while. It isn’t every day that she gets express her thoughts and emotions. She’s the type who doesn’t want to be seen as melodramatic and OA, so most of the time, she hides behind the wall she’s built, brick by brick. She is a strong person, but even the strongest people need this time for catharsis.

I look at myself in the mirror and smile sheepishly at my puffy eyes. I don’t actually talk to myself in the mirror, but imagining a level-headed me talking to a stressed me helps in a weird way. Helps me process things. But I do know it doesn’t end with catharsis. There’s more to process and more to unpack.

Perhaps, good for another time.