Stormoody

I wish there was an easier way to say this.

But since there is none, let me just come out and say it.

I think I’m mentally ill.

It’s weird, how I just have these certain moods where I feel angry or anxious or stressed all of a sudden. No single trigger. No real warning. And the result is silence. And an aura that says, ‘Don’t talk to me, or else.”

My family knows this. It’s been worse, but I still get them sometimes. It’s more than just regular mood swings because for those, at least you somehow have a trigger like menses or anything. But my ‘mood swings’? Just pops out of no where. Walang pinipiling oras o lugar. Happens even during the most joyful moments. Sometimes lasts for just a day, but could last longer. I think the longest I’ve had it is a week.

And when they happen? Just horrible. I couldn’t explain it, and I couldn’t wish it away, so I just fall into the easiest way to deal with it--silence. I shut up because if I speak, I fear I might blurt out something hurtful. More hurtful than my silence and ‘moodiness’.

What’s horrible is that I don’t have full control of it yet. When it happens, I do my best to deal with it, but more often than not, it’s really just silence that works. Until it goes away. Until I feel okay again. Weird.

What’s more horrible is that I don’t know how to explain it. When people ask what’s wrong, I can’t form words to adequately picture what it is going on in my mind. Because I couldn’t understand it myself. It is so much easier to just make up some physical symptom to explain it away. Like I have a headache. Or I feel like I’m coming down with the flu. Those things make more sense to the human mind, so there’s no need to dig deeper into the ‘whys’ of my moods.

So what exactly is going on during a ‘mood’. I feel horrible. I feel all the negative emotions and I feel all my insecurities rushing back at me. The lies I’ve kept back with the dam of my faith just overflows and overwhelms. It’s a terrible, terrible feeling, and I would never want to experience it ever again. It’s hard to explain because I am living a beautiful life. Not perfect, but certainly not grim. I have a wonderful family, work that pays well, and most of all, I have God. I have Jesus Christ with me through the highs and lows of life. So even I would ask myself, “What the hell is wrong with you? What more do you want?”

And then there’s the guilt and self-hate. “You of little faith.” “You doubter.” “You hypocrite.” “You liar.” More lies. More attacks by the Devil. And it’s during these moods that I lose. I forget who I am, that I am a child of God. Is it true then, what other people say? Your mind is weak because you lack faith? But maybe it isn’t lack of faith per se. Maybe it is a weakening connection with God. And this weakening connection keeps me from seeing God’s promises and the beauty of his word. I don’t want to add any more guilt to the pool, so I don’t like thinking it’s my fault, but I do acknowledge that I also need more effort on my part. To pray. To read God’s word. To sit in silence and meditation despite the busyness of life. These are things I need to constantly do. Even Jesus retreated to the mountains. I need my quiet times as well.

So there. Just wanted to see these thoughts of mine in writing. Wanted to be able to come back and read it from time to time. Maybe to remind my future self of how I tried to process these moods, and how I should move forward with it. And maybe someday, God-willing, I’d totally be rid of it, or at least have way fewer episodes (I have a mood calendar and I counted at least 10 days in 2025 that I had these moods).

And maybe I’ll be wiser and stronger in how I deal with these moods when they do happen again. Maybe I won’t lose next time. God help me.